Little Triggers Everywhere

It's hard when the best moments in your life are paired with grief.

Most of my daily life since my diagnosis feels like a trigger battlefield. The most challenging moments aren’t even when I see a pink ribbon or watch a movie, and someone has cancer (which I now realize is a subplot in everything). It’s the happy moments. You know, the moments we’re supposed to enjoy fully, especially after everything we’ve been through. Instead, I get pulled away, in to my mind, by those intrusive thoughts. The dark thoughts that haunt us, the ones we can’t control.

Like when my daughter says a new word and I feel like my heart is about to burst because it is so full. Or, when she’s asleep on my chest, my mind goes to the months I lost with her when I was too sick from chemo to get out of bed. Why was I the unlucky one that missed so many moments? Did she feel abandoned by me?

Or when my son brings home an art project born out of sheer innocence and joy. He had a great day with his friends at school, his life is good, but all I can think about is how scared I am to lose my turn in this life. I hope the hardest part of his life is behind us. Is he going to grow up without a mother? His life will be ruined forever, and it will be all my fault.

The happy moments are the triggers, and they’re everywhere.

I realized that my heart is sort of hardened since my diagnosis, and I think it’s because I don’t know how else to manage the constant exposures to the little triggers. 
It’s really overwhelming when the best moments in your life are paired with grief and fear. I just want to be present for the good, without a caveat. But I’m not there yet. 

I will say, though, since I finished treatment in August, I’ve gotten a little better at expecting and dismissing intrusive thoughts. For starters, I try to remember the adaptive (or maladaptive, depending who you ask) purpose for those thoughts- that it’s just my heart and mind’s way of protecting me from the hurt that I’ve endured.

I try to remember that just because I feel something, it doesn’t make it true. Just because something scares me, it does not mean the threat is realistic or imminent.

And I also sort of personify them to give them a little less power. It sounds like… oh, hello my old, dark, cynical neighbor. You’re here because I was feeling happy, and that scared you. Thanks for stopping by; I received your concern. I agree; it’s scary to love something so much. I’m going to go back to my happy moment now. See you soon.

It’s only been four months since I finished treatment, but the intrusive thoughts are stopping by less often. And for sure, they’re a little quieter. Maybe one day, they’ll get the hint that they’re no longer welcome.

Yours truly,

Marcella

P.S. I would love to hear from you, always. Your comments are really what will make this in to a community that delivers real support. Can you relate? How do you deal?