How I broke the cancer news to my 3-year-old

No one wants to have that conversation

There is no ideal time in terms of a child's age to have cancer. Having a four-month-old when you’re diagnosed indeed had its own slew of problems, but at least finding the words to break it to her was not one of them.

Thinking about how I would break it to my three-year-old son made me sick to my stomach. I put so much pressure on myself to say the perfect thing or explain it in a developmentally perfect and digestible way. But we all know that young children are all over the map when it comes to situational awareness, anxiety levels, emotional maturity, and so on.

In my case, perfect is always the enemy of done. I was tired of ruminating on how I was going to break it to him. So, three days before my first chemo, while giving my son a bath, I decided it was time to break the news. It went something like this:

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Mommy has a boo-boo; it’s on my chest. (I showed him the biopsy bandage). It’s not like this boo-boo that you have on your knee, it’s different. It’s called cancer which is a group of unhealthy cells that develop when our bodies make a mistake.

Ohh. Cancer. He replies matter-of-factly.

Yes. Our bodies are so busy doing amazing things and fixing little problems all day, and sometimes, it’s too busy to see when something goes wrong. That’s when cancer grows, it’s sneaky like that.

Ohh. (He’s half-listening, half processing. I expect him to ask me something like, will you die? But he doesn’t.)

It’s tricky to fix it, so I’m going to need the help of superhero doctors who will do a great job. They are the best doctors in the world, and they have superhero machines and superhero medicine that make the cancer go away. The superhero medicine might make me feel sick, and it might change the way I look; my hair will change, and I might feel tired. But that will pass. By your fourth birthday, the hardest part will be over. And then, over time, I will feel and look like me again.

Where do the superhero doctors live?

They live in their homes, with their families. I will show you their pictures after your bath, they are called Dr. Heerdt and Dr. Comen. They have kids too. They are very smart and helpful.

So you’ll go to their house?

No, I’ll go to their office which is inside a hospital in New York.

But how will you get there?

I will drive! In my car.

Ok, mama. You are the best driver.

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At that point, I knew less was more. We would revisit the conversation many times over the next year. Over time, our short conversations helped him understand it a little bit better. We used tangible references and found some great ones like the Playmobil and lego sets below.

We use children’s encyclopedia to talk about cells and healthy cells versus abnormal cells and how our bodies are not bad; they’re just so busy and can’t always keep up. This is why it’s important to rest, eat healthy foods, exercise, and drink lots of water. All of that helps our bodies be better at fixing mistakes.

A few months ago, right after my last treatment, my son, now 4.5, and I were at a craft studio in town. I lifted him up to show him something, to which the lovely manager remarked, “Wow, your mommy is so strong!”

And for the first time ever, I heard him validate all our little conversations over the year.

She wasn’t always strong! Her body was sick with something called cancer, and she wasn’t strong. But the superhero doctors made it go away with superhero machines and medicine. Now, she is super strong again.

The manager was quite shocked, and I was quite proud. Has this all been very hard? Yes. Have I become a stronger woman and mother because of all of this? Also yes.

Yours truly,

Marcella

P.S. Please feel free to share with a mama who might be going through this difficult conversation too. How did you share? Help other mamas in the community by telling us what worked for you.