Cancer is antithetical to parenting

And other helpful insights that help us process this mess

I was thinking that Wednesdays could be a “processing day” here at Motherhood Through Cancer. Sometimes I want to share a spot of inspo, quote, insight, idea- even just a small but mighty, reframe - that proved helpful in processing my personal experience of parenting two young children during treatment and survivorship.

I would also love to hear what wisdom you have to share with the community (that’s where the comments below come in!).

For example, recently my therapist, who I am eternally grateful to, pointed out to me that cancer is antithetical to parenting. And as soon as she said, it clicked.

These are the years when our attention is supposedly reserved for our children. We are wired (and conditioned) to be fully attentive to their health, their schedules, and their happiness.

So when our own survival competes with the demands of motherhood, of course, it feels like an abandonment or neglect to our children. This isn’t the correct order of things! We aren’t wired to prioritize ourselves- so our body tells us to soldier on, even though our medical teams tell us to slow down. The conflicting inner dialogue that tells this is backward is real - it’s not imagined.

And that’s what makes us particularly impressive, (even if we don’t want to be impressive. We just want to be healthy, normal, unremarkable. The way we once were.) But admit it, it is impressive that we get through the day even though we are pulled in opposing directions: who are we supposed to be mothering today? Ourselves? Or our children? And yet, we have no choice but to do both.

I eventually realized that mothering myself is also how I mother my children right now.

So, I prioritize sleep, begrudgingly, when I need to sleep. I take the shortcuts. I leave the TV on a little longer so that I can regain some energy to power through the evening routine. I scroll my phone mindlessly in the parked car after appointments, to find a moment for myself.

It’s still not enough; I still need more rest and more time to heal. And I desperately need the time with my kids, I can’t stand the thought of missing any more moments with them. But I guess that’s what happens when you have cancer and children. It never does feel like there is enough mother to go around.

P.S. Cancer is really expensive, and many of us experience financial toxicity. I have three one-year subscriptions to give away- which were fully paid for by generous members of our community. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you would like to claim a membership.